Author's note: I wrote ANSA in the 70s. The third edition was circulated in July 1979 and has been around, without further revision, ever since. Reading it now (August 2000) it does seem to be very much a product of its time, that time being the first few years of the human potential/personal growth movement in the UK, when people were in the early stages of experimenting with how to be more authentic in every aspect of their living, including their sexuality. Though dated in style, ANSA has a certain blunt charm. I have preserved it substantially intact, with only minor revisions, clarifications and additions. Its commitment to openness, honesty and directness has ongoing relevance. The contemporary reader can readily adapt these values to the current climate.
If one person is sexually attracted to another and there is some indication that it may be reciprocal and circumstances are such that to acknowledge and discuss it may be appropriate, then here is a set of possible stages for the two people to go through.
The point about these stages is that they demand honesty, directness and courage in both parties. They exclude dealing with the attraction by compulsive seduction, unaware flirtation, innuendo, ulterior transactions, game playing, or any series of ploys that do not acknowledge what is really going on.
I feel vulnerable about saying this, but I find you sexually attractive. I would like to ask if this is reciprocal, and if so, whether we could meet soon to talk it over and explore what it means to both of us?
The important point about the exploration clause is that it leaves space for the other person to look at the attraction without commitment or subtle pressure to act on it. If you omit the exploration clause there is a danger that the other person will already feel trapped by unidentified expectations and demands.
The one who is asked the above question needs, on the ANSA model, to give a direct, honest response.
Yes, I do (or No, I do not) find you sexually attractive.I don't know whether or not I find you sexually attractive.
The respondent also needs to give a direct reply to the invitation to meet and explore what the attraction might mean.
If the respondent goes into agitation and confusion on talking either about the attraction or about the meeting to discuss it further, I would advise you respectfully and tactfully to withdraw and end the ANSA.
If the respondent says "Yes", or "I don't know", about the sexual attraction, and clearly declines the invitation to meet and talk, this also ends the ANSA. If the invitation to talk is rejected, graceful withdrawal is more noble than compulsive pursuit.
A "No" reply ends the ANSA. Although in some cases you still both might decide to meet to explore other mutual interests.
This is the stage when two people have agreed to meet and explore the meaning of a mutual attraction already explicitly owned to each other. There are two parts to this stage. First, a sensitive exchange about what each one finds attractive in the other, about the history and perceptions of the attraction, about the thoughts and emotions elicited by it. Second, and developing inevitably out of the first, a check for hidden projections. Each person takes turns to see whether the other is identified, at a subliminal or near conscious level, with someone else from the past with whom a lot of unresolved negative, positive or ambivalent emotion is attached.
If this inquiry shows that either way there is a lot of projected material at work, then it is probably wise to end the ANSA, because some sexual attractions constitute the leading edge of unidentified distress. In these cases, to act on the attraction is chaoticly to displace and act out the distress to the mutual misery of both people.The wiser course is to separate and work on the underlying material. Checking for hidden projections goes as follows:
A. Do I remind you of anyone? (A repeats until B comes up with an association).
A. How do I remind you of X? (B identifies the associations and connections).
A. What's left unsaid to X? What emotions are still to be expressed to X? (B expresses these feelings to A as if A were X).
A. How am I not like X? (B consciously withdraws the projection and specifies how A is unlike X).
Then B asks the same questions of A. If the projections, whether negative, positive or ambivalent, are relatively light the ANSA can proceed. Never proceed unless the projections, however light, have been identified. If the projections, whether negative, positive or ambivalent, are heavy, end the ANSA.
The discussion continues, and now each person explains fully, without holding anything back, the details of their current lifestyle; whether single, whether in one or more relationships, whether married, whether there are children, whether existing relationships are open or closed, honest or duplicitous; relevant facts about accommodation, occupation and income, health, contraception and so on.
This discussion moves on to a statement from each as to how free, morally and psychologically, each one feels about taking this attraction any further, given all the relevant circumstantial factors. Either or both people may end the ANSA at this point. However, there may be some necessary overlap with the following stage, before a clear decision can be taken. Circumstantial factors may legitimate one or more of the options discussed below rather than others.
If the circumstantial factors seem to give some scope for continuing the ANSA, then the two people can move on to consider awarely the full range of possibilities for honouring the sexual attraction between them. Here is one fairly comprehensive spectrum of possibilities:
Both people commit themselves to a contract that they will care for each other by celebrating their friendship erotically and in other ways, by excluding irrational demands and expectations, by awarely negotiating every stage in the relationship and any change in a previously and mutually agreed stage. They also commit themselves to some mutually agreed and effective growth-orientated way of dealing with compulsive hassles and tangles that may arise.